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So sorry that I haven't updated in so long. My life has been so crazy hectic busy that I feel like I haven't had time to breathe. Finals are finally done and I am moved home. All of my stuff is sitting in my mom's garage. I don't know where ANYTHING is, so I am going to have to go through my things piece by piece. I have a feeling that a lot of it is going to be thrown out or given away.

My aunt has been sick and in-and-out of the hospital for over a month now and today it seems that she took a turn for the worse. I'm not sure of the whole story, but a couple of days ago she was complaining of a sore throat and today I guess she was in a lot of pain and the home care nurse gave her morphine. Which, it turns out, she has an allergy to. When I went over there tonight she was in her hospital bed in the living room in a barely conscious state. She was trying to grunt / talk but nothing was coming out. So she was just like laying there, breathing heavily, but yet aware of things going on around her. I am hoping and praying that she comes out of this and will work her way to a recovery. I ask any of you readers that you would say a simple prayer for her and the rest of my family. Thank you.

God Bless,

Samus.

"There is nothing half so pleasant as coming home again." ~Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Spinning out of control

Do you ever feel like your life is spinning at an infinite speed out of control? It seems like my life has been doing that for the past week; hence why I haven't really been posting anything. With finals coming up at school and trying to move home for the summer, it has been a very very stressful week.

Semi-recently, someone who used to be a big part of my life came back into my life. Not in such a way as he was before, but more than he had been recently. At first I was really happy to know that we still had a friendship. But lately, I think our relationship has changed. He seems to only text me when he is drunk and will ignore me most of the time. But yet, I can't seem to tell him that if he is only going to talk to me when he is drunk that it isn't going to work for us to be friends. There have been a couple of conversations between us that for some reason keep me hanging on to him. I really wish that there was a book or a how-to guide on how to let someone go. Part of me wants to actually be with him and try and start a relationship with him and the other part of me is saying that he isn't going to change and that I should cut my losses and move on. I wish that there was just a clear answer for me to choose.

Confused,

Samus.

"No matter how I fight it / Can't deny it / Just can't let you go" ~Backstreet Boys

Who I Am

Recently, a friend who I used to talk to multiple times a day sort of came back into my life. We would spontaneously text each other a couple times a week. But I can't stop thinking about how often we used to talk and I realized that I miss him. I don't want to miss him because I know that he isn't good for me, but dammit, I want him in my life.

But I can understand why he doesn't want me in his:

I am too short, too overweight. I walk with my head down, even when I feel like I am in a good mood. I often trip over my own toes while walking down the street. I tend to only eat chicken strips no matter what the restaurant is. I don't really anything that is good for me. I hate being naked and have dry feet. I love getting piercings and tattoos but cry like a baby when I poke myself with a sewing needle. I am 20 years old and still sleep with a blanket and a teddy bear. I feel fat even on good days, I wonder if I am ever going to lose weight, no matter how much I try. I feel extremely fat whenever I eat anything, even if it is something as small as an apple. I have bad vision that is getting worse and I talk to my cat like she is a real person.

Who would even want to be my friend let alone my boyfriend?

Sadly,

Samus.

“I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone.” ~anonymous

Stupid Boys

So I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and there was a scene that summed up exactly what I am feeling. Meredith and Christina were sitting in the bathroom and they were talking about boys. And then they said something to the effect of: "...boys and their stupid boy penises. It is always their fault." Then Christina was like "it's the estrogen!" and Meredith replied, "no, it is the stupid boy penises."

That is all.

Frustrated,
Samus.

"Love is like a roller coaster; when it is all over you throw up" ~anonymous

The (wo)man who can't be moved

So what little inspiration I did have to write about anything is gone, but I will leave you with a bit of song lyrics to think about.

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me / And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be /

I'm thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet / And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of

the street / So I'm not moving / I'm not moving" ~The Script

Unwanted

Have you ever felt just unwanted? Like no one even wants to talk to you let alone hang out with you or be around you?

I often wonder if people would like me more or other people would want to be my friend if I was prettier, taller, skinnier, more talented, smarter, funnier, sluttier. Something. Anything.

Tonight while driving to the store I realized something. I realized that I have envisioned myself being in a car accident multiple times. Have you ever done that? Just wondered what it would be like... the sudden impact? The noises? And then I start to wonder what people would come to the hospital to visit me. Would anyone care that I was there?

Would anyone even notice if I was gone?

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted. ~Mother Theresa

Gotta Move On

I wrote a letter to you today. It's not really a letter; it's more like a ranting. At first I had it on here, ready to post, for the whole world to see. But in the end, after some thoughts and deliberations, I changed my mind. 1) I'm ashamed of some of the things I wrote and would be too embarrassed for people to read them, and 2) I don't know if I am ready to put it all out there. But I do feel a bit better after writing it.

I just hope that some day I can put it all behind me or actually put it all out there and deal with it. Until now, it is just a document on my computer.

Restlessly,

Samus.

It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone. ~marilyn monroe