Spinning out of control

Do you ever feel like your life is spinning at an infinite speed out of control? It seems like my life has been doing that for the past week; hence why I haven't really been posting anything. With finals coming up at school and trying to move home for the summer, it has been a very very stressful week.

Semi-recently, someone who used to be a big part of my life came back into my life. Not in such a way as he was before, but more than he had been recently. At first I was really happy to know that we still had a friendship. But lately, I think our relationship has changed. He seems to only text me when he is drunk and will ignore me most of the time. But yet, I can't seem to tell him that if he is only going to talk to me when he is drunk that it isn't going to work for us to be friends. There have been a couple of conversations between us that for some reason keep me hanging on to him. I really wish that there was a book or a how-to guide on how to let someone go. Part of me wants to actually be with him and try and start a relationship with him and the other part of me is saying that he isn't going to change and that I should cut my losses and move on. I wish that there was just a clear answer for me to choose.

Confused,

Samus.

"No matter how I fight it / Can't deny it / Just can't let you go" ~Backstreet Boys

Who I Am

Recently, a friend who I used to talk to multiple times a day sort of came back into my life. We would spontaneously text each other a couple times a week. But I can't stop thinking about how often we used to talk and I realized that I miss him. I don't want to miss him because I know that he isn't good for me, but dammit, I want him in my life.

But I can understand why he doesn't want me in his:

I am too short, too overweight. I walk with my head down, even when I feel like I am in a good mood. I often trip over my own toes while walking down the street. I tend to only eat chicken strips no matter what the restaurant is. I don't really anything that is good for me. I hate being naked and have dry feet. I love getting piercings and tattoos but cry like a baby when I poke myself with a sewing needle. I am 20 years old and still sleep with a blanket and a teddy bear. I feel fat even on good days, I wonder if I am ever going to lose weight, no matter how much I try. I feel extremely fat whenever I eat anything, even if it is something as small as an apple. I have bad vision that is getting worse and I talk to my cat like she is a real person.

Who would even want to be my friend let alone my boyfriend?

Sadly,

Samus.

“I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone.” ~anonymous

Stupid Boys

So I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and there was a scene that summed up exactly what I am feeling. Meredith and Christina were sitting in the bathroom and they were talking about boys. And then they said something to the effect of: "...boys and their stupid boy penises. It is always their fault." Then Christina was like "it's the estrogen!" and Meredith replied, "no, it is the stupid boy penises."

That is all.

Frustrated,
Samus.

"Love is like a roller coaster; when it is all over you throw up" ~anonymous

The (wo)man who can't be moved

So what little inspiration I did have to write about anything is gone, but I will leave you with a bit of song lyrics to think about.

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me / And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be /

I'm thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet / And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of

the street / So I'm not moving / I'm not moving" ~The Script

Unwanted

Have you ever felt just unwanted? Like no one even wants to talk to you let alone hang out with you or be around you?

I often wonder if people would like me more or other people would want to be my friend if I was prettier, taller, skinnier, more talented, smarter, funnier, sluttier. Something. Anything.

Tonight while driving to the store I realized something. I realized that I have envisioned myself being in a car accident multiple times. Have you ever done that? Just wondered what it would be like... the sudden impact? The noises? And then I start to wonder what people would come to the hospital to visit me. Would anyone care that I was there?

Would anyone even notice if I was gone?

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted. ~Mother Theresa

Gotta Move On

I wrote a letter to you today. It's not really a letter; it's more like a ranting. At first I had it on here, ready to post, for the whole world to see. But in the end, after some thoughts and deliberations, I changed my mind. 1) I'm ashamed of some of the things I wrote and would be too embarrassed for people to read them, and 2) I don't know if I am ready to put it all out there. But I do feel a bit better after writing it.

I just hope that some day I can put it all behind me or actually put it all out there and deal with it. Until now, it is just a document on my computer.

Restlessly,

Samus.

It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone. ~marilyn monroe

The UP isn't dumb.

Stereotype: a commonly held public belief about specific social groups, or types of individuals.

Just because the "typical" Yooper doesn't venture out of the UP very often to a big city does not mean that they are dumb. Just because a business or a doctor is located in the UP does not mean that they are incompetent at what they do. They have gone through schooling and training just the same as any other doctor or business person. Location does not determine intelligence. I wish people would understand that and stop judging.

Samus.

"Nowhere, probably on the continent, is fall foliage more beautiful in brilliancy or contrasting colors" --George Shiras, National Geographic, August 1921

Pretzels and Coke

Um, I'm not really sure what to write about today.... spring is almost here. Well, it is pretty much here, but today it was cooler than it has been. It makes me think that Mother Nature still has snow in store for us.

I am so so SO ready for this semester to be over. I am ready for summer and to be home for an extended period of time. I miss my mommy, my kitty, and my big bed.

As far as my pots are coming along, I finished one for Cassie. I painted it like a cow. Tonight I started pieces of the ones for my grandma and grandpa. The more I paint the pots the more I miss my grandparents. Even though it will have been 10 years for my grandma this September, I still miss her like crazy. And not a day goes by that I don't think of my grandpa. I just miss being at their house and smelling food cooking or my grandma's perfume. Or watching my mom set my grandma's hair in curlers for her or my grandpa folding paper boats for me. I hope that I can leave a mark on my grandchildren's heart like they left on mine.

I think I hear my bed calling my name.

Until next time,

Samus.

"Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Running into the past

Today I saw you. For some reason, I still got butterflies in my stomach. Was it because of the way it ended? I'm not sure. Sometimes part of me wonders what could have been. Why it ended the way it did?

Did you see me? If you did, what was going through your mind? Did you want to say something to me, but were too nervous? Or perhaps you want to have nothing to do from me, to erase me from your past? I wish I knew what you thought so I wouldn't have to wonder anymore.

Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe you didn't see me and I don't have anything to worry about. I wish I would have at least gotten some sort of sign one way or another.

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

Hey Y'all

Hey Y'all. It's Paula Deen. Well, not quite. But I did buy Paula Deen skillets today. I felt like a grown up. And while my future roommate was breaking in P.D. by cooking bacon I became inspired. Ms. Deen is not ashamed of cooking with butter and I love that. She also seems to have a spirit about her that cheers everyone up. One day I aspire to be as cheery as P.D. and also to not be ashamed to cook with butter.

Y'all have a good weekend,

Samus

Nothing ever tastes bad with a little extra cheese on top, it just never hurt a thing in its life ~Paula Deen

Birds

Although I hate waking up in the morning and having to go to class, I love being able to walk to class and listen to the birds chirping away. Aside from the occasional crow cawing or seagull squawking, listening to the chickadees and the finches is like music to my ears. It is calming. The fact that there is so much turmoil going on in the world and these birds haven't a clue what is happening half a globe away so they just sit in the tree and sing their little hearts out is amazing. I think the birds singing is a beautiful way to welcome in spring. After a long, hard, UP winter, when the birds are out singing at 8:30 in the morning you know it is going to be a good day.

So, Birds, I thank you. For you have brightened my day.

Melodically,

Samus

“A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” ~Maya Angelou