Home

So sorry that I haven't updated in so long. My life has been so crazy hectic busy that I feel like I haven't had time to breathe. Finals are finally done and I am moved home. All of my stuff is sitting in my mom's garage. I don't know where ANYTHING is, so I am going to have to go through my things piece by piece. I have a feeling that a lot of it is going to be thrown out or given away.

My aunt has been sick and in-and-out of the hospital for over a month now and today it seems that she took a turn for the worse. I'm not sure of the whole story, but a couple of days ago she was complaining of a sore throat and today I guess she was in a lot of pain and the home care nurse gave her morphine. Which, it turns out, she has an allergy to. When I went over there tonight she was in her hospital bed in the living room in a barely conscious state. She was trying to grunt / talk but nothing was coming out. So she was just like laying there, breathing heavily, but yet aware of things going on around her. I am hoping and praying that she comes out of this and will work her way to a recovery. I ask any of you readers that you would say a simple prayer for her and the rest of my family. Thank you.

God Bless,

Samus.

"There is nothing half so pleasant as coming home again." ~Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Spinning out of control

Do you ever feel like your life is spinning at an infinite speed out of control? It seems like my life has been doing that for the past week; hence why I haven't really been posting anything. With finals coming up at school and trying to move home for the summer, it has been a very very stressful week.

Semi-recently, someone who used to be a big part of my life came back into my life. Not in such a way as he was before, but more than he had been recently. At first I was really happy to know that we still had a friendship. But lately, I think our relationship has changed. He seems to only text me when he is drunk and will ignore me most of the time. But yet, I can't seem to tell him that if he is only going to talk to me when he is drunk that it isn't going to work for us to be friends. There have been a couple of conversations between us that for some reason keep me hanging on to him. I really wish that there was a book or a how-to guide on how to let someone go. Part of me wants to actually be with him and try and start a relationship with him and the other part of me is saying that he isn't going to change and that I should cut my losses and move on. I wish that there was just a clear answer for me to choose.

Confused,

Samus.

"No matter how I fight it / Can't deny it / Just can't let you go" ~Backstreet Boys

Who I Am

Recently, a friend who I used to talk to multiple times a day sort of came back into my life. We would spontaneously text each other a couple times a week. But I can't stop thinking about how often we used to talk and I realized that I miss him. I don't want to miss him because I know that he isn't good for me, but dammit, I want him in my life.

But I can understand why he doesn't want me in his:

I am too short, too overweight. I walk with my head down, even when I feel like I am in a good mood. I often trip over my own toes while walking down the street. I tend to only eat chicken strips no matter what the restaurant is. I don't really anything that is good for me. I hate being naked and have dry feet. I love getting piercings and tattoos but cry like a baby when I poke myself with a sewing needle. I am 20 years old and still sleep with a blanket and a teddy bear. I feel fat even on good days, I wonder if I am ever going to lose weight, no matter how much I try. I feel extremely fat whenever I eat anything, even if it is something as small as an apple. I have bad vision that is getting worse and I talk to my cat like she is a real person.

Who would even want to be my friend let alone my boyfriend?

Sadly,

Samus.

“I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone.” ~anonymous

Stupid Boys

So I was watching Grey's Anatomy today and there was a scene that summed up exactly what I am feeling. Meredith and Christina were sitting in the bathroom and they were talking about boys. And then they said something to the effect of: "...boys and their stupid boy penises. It is always their fault." Then Christina was like "it's the estrogen!" and Meredith replied, "no, it is the stupid boy penises."

That is all.

Frustrated,
Samus.

"Love is like a roller coaster; when it is all over you throw up" ~anonymous

The (wo)man who can't be moved

So what little inspiration I did have to write about anything is gone, but I will leave you with a bit of song lyrics to think about.

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me / And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be /

I'm thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet / And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of

the street / So I'm not moving / I'm not moving" ~The Script

Unwanted

Have you ever felt just unwanted? Like no one even wants to talk to you let alone hang out with you or be around you?

I often wonder if people would like me more or other people would want to be my friend if I was prettier, taller, skinnier, more talented, smarter, funnier, sluttier. Something. Anything.

Tonight while driving to the store I realized something. I realized that I have envisioned myself being in a car accident multiple times. Have you ever done that? Just wondered what it would be like... the sudden impact? The noises? And then I start to wonder what people would come to the hospital to visit me. Would anyone care that I was there?

Would anyone even notice if I was gone?

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted. ~Mother Theresa

Gotta Move On

I wrote a letter to you today. It's not really a letter; it's more like a ranting. At first I had it on here, ready to post, for the whole world to see. But in the end, after some thoughts and deliberations, I changed my mind. 1) I'm ashamed of some of the things I wrote and would be too embarrassed for people to read them, and 2) I don't know if I am ready to put it all out there. But I do feel a bit better after writing it.

I just hope that some day I can put it all behind me or actually put it all out there and deal with it. Until now, it is just a document on my computer.

Restlessly,

Samus.

It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone. ~marilyn monroe

The UP isn't dumb.

Stereotype: a commonly held public belief about specific social groups, or types of individuals.

Just because the "typical" Yooper doesn't venture out of the UP very often to a big city does not mean that they are dumb. Just because a business or a doctor is located in the UP does not mean that they are incompetent at what they do. They have gone through schooling and training just the same as any other doctor or business person. Location does not determine intelligence. I wish people would understand that and stop judging.

Samus.

"Nowhere, probably on the continent, is fall foliage more beautiful in brilliancy or contrasting colors" --George Shiras, National Geographic, August 1921

Pretzels and Coke

Um, I'm not really sure what to write about today.... spring is almost here. Well, it is pretty much here, but today it was cooler than it has been. It makes me think that Mother Nature still has snow in store for us.

I am so so SO ready for this semester to be over. I am ready for summer and to be home for an extended period of time. I miss my mommy, my kitty, and my big bed.

As far as my pots are coming along, I finished one for Cassie. I painted it like a cow. Tonight I started pieces of the ones for my grandma and grandpa. The more I paint the pots the more I miss my grandparents. Even though it will have been 10 years for my grandma this September, I still miss her like crazy. And not a day goes by that I don't think of my grandpa. I just miss being at their house and smelling food cooking or my grandma's perfume. Or watching my mom set my grandma's hair in curlers for her or my grandpa folding paper boats for me. I hope that I can leave a mark on my grandchildren's heart like they left on mine.

I think I hear my bed calling my name.

Until next time,

Samus.

"Promise me you will always remember: You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Running into the past

Today I saw you. For some reason, I still got butterflies in my stomach. Was it because of the way it ended? I'm not sure. Sometimes part of me wonders what could have been. Why it ended the way it did?

Did you see me? If you did, what was going through your mind? Did you want to say something to me, but were too nervous? Or perhaps you want to have nothing to do from me, to erase me from your past? I wish I knew what you thought so I wouldn't have to wonder anymore.

Maybe I am just overreacting. Maybe you didn't see me and I don't have anything to worry about. I wish I would have at least gotten some sort of sign one way or another.

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

Hey Y'all

Hey Y'all. It's Paula Deen. Well, not quite. But I did buy Paula Deen skillets today. I felt like a grown up. And while my future roommate was breaking in P.D. by cooking bacon I became inspired. Ms. Deen is not ashamed of cooking with butter and I love that. She also seems to have a spirit about her that cheers everyone up. One day I aspire to be as cheery as P.D. and also to not be ashamed to cook with butter.

Y'all have a good weekend,

Samus

Nothing ever tastes bad with a little extra cheese on top, it just never hurt a thing in its life ~Paula Deen

Birds

Although I hate waking up in the morning and having to go to class, I love being able to walk to class and listen to the birds chirping away. Aside from the occasional crow cawing or seagull squawking, listening to the chickadees and the finches is like music to my ears. It is calming. The fact that there is so much turmoil going on in the world and these birds haven't a clue what is happening half a globe away so they just sit in the tree and sing their little hearts out is amazing. I think the birds singing is a beautiful way to welcome in spring. After a long, hard, UP winter, when the birds are out singing at 8:30 in the morning you know it is going to be a good day.

So, Birds, I thank you. For you have brightened my day.

Melodically,

Samus

“A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” ~Maya Angelou

Pot Progress

So, I don't really have much to write about. I feel awkward writing about myself all the time but I don't really have any interesting things to write about.

But anyways, I officially have one of my pots drawn out to paint. I drew the one with the flowers on it for my grandma first because I figured that would be the easiest. I really like the way that it turned out. I am nervous to paint it. But before I paint that one, I plan on drawing out the other one for my grandpa. I was planning on trying to paint old cars on it, but seeing as how my painting skills are a minimum, I am going to try and do shamrocks / clovers on it.

...that's all i really have to talk about... there's nothing too exciting that's happened lately. Hopefully I will come across a blog-worth activity soon.

Samus

You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it. ~Author Unknown

21

One of these days I will finally turn 21 and be able to go out to the bars and just hang out with people. . but for now, I am still a child :(

that's really all I have to say for now. not feeling really inspired tonight.

samus

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. ~Ambrose Bierce

Me Time

Snow came back today to Marquette. For the past couple of days it has been beautiful and sunny and today it was bitterly cold and snowing. Talk about having a poopy day. Hopefully the weather will turn nice again.

Have you ever woken up and been in a bad mood? That happened to me today and I can't figure out exactly where the bad mood came from. After my afternoon class I took a nap and woke up to go to dinner with friends and was just in a bad mood. After my night class I decided that I needed some "me time." During that me time all of a sudden I felt my mood lighten. I can't explain why, it just happened.

I guess what I learned is that sometimes I just need time to myself, even if it is just to clean and watch a movie alone.

I keep trying to tell myself to put myself first and look out for me because if I don't no one else will, but it is really hard to do. I always find myself looking to please other people, even if it means doing something that I might not want to do or giving up some time for me. I wonder if I will ever learn to watch out for me.

The Next Picasso

I have painted my first pot. I think I like it. I don't really have anything to plant in it yet, but I'm sure that I will find something soon. I think that I have an obsession with plants. I have a lot. Not as many as Tracie Frame, but the collection is growing. I am worried that one day I will forget to water them and I will come back and they will all be dead.

But back to my pot. It is like an off-white color with trees and clouds on it. I am hope that one day I will see a plant and know right away that it is the plant for that pot.

By painting my pot I have discovered that I like to paint. Even though I feel a little bit of stress about what to paint and how to paint it, the actual act of painting is very relaxing. I have decided to paint two more special pots. One each for my Grandma and Grandpa Greenleaf. I thought about what to paint and have changed my mind multiple times about what to paint. But once I get them satisfactorly painted I am planning on planting forget-me-nots and zinnias in them and bringing them to the cemetery. I am hoping to find peace through it all.

Peace and Serenity To All,

Samus

A photograph is memory in the raw. ~Carrie Latet

Uno

Hello fellow bloggers. I'm not quite sure what I am doing on here, or what exactly I want to get out of this... but here I am. I'm also not sure how many of you out there are going to be reading this and I'm not sure I want to know how many people are reading this. That is a lot of pressure.

I am a 20 year old college junior who is still trying to find my place in this world. I have a degree in clinical lab sciences but missed working with people. So my next attempt is to get a nursing degree. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get out of school.

I wish I was taller, skinnier, prettier. I know these thoughts are cliche. Judge me if you want. I thought I was in love once, but I'm not so sure it was what I thought it was. I've made my mistakes, some of which I wish I could take back. I try to be optimistic, but deep in my heart I am a pessimist. I believe I have a mild case of OCD. I like things such as volumes and groupings in sets of 5, but count stairs in sets of 4. I like to have things lined up and neat, although you can't tell by the looks of my bedroom. If I don't like the way a page of notes look in my notebook I will rewrite them. I am constantly straightening things in front of me when out in public without even thinking about it. When walking through a store I have to touch things as I walk by them. I hate trying on clothes almost as much as I hate being naked.

I like to pretend that I am a photographer. I love spending hours around town taking pictures of anything and everything. I finally have gotten the time and courage to take a photo class at school. Thursday is our first critique and I am shaking in my boots. Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time behind the camera lens and not enough time living my life.

I love my friends and family. They mean everything to me. My hero is my grandpa. I miss him every day. I wish I wouldn't have taken for granted the time that he was here. I have yet to eat a Three Musketeer's candy bar since he died.

I can't guarantee that I am going to keep up with this blog. But I am going to attempt to with all of my might. I am hoping to use it as a way to update anyone who cares about my struggle of trying to join the people of the thin world. Don't worry, I'm not going to become some fitness freak. Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you that you are more likely to find me on the couch with my laptop or a movie than at the gym.

I hate talking about myself, but I am hoping that with this blog I will become more comfortable with the idea of talking about my life.

Livin' Life Through the Lens,

Samus.

I think a photography class should be a requirement in all educational programs because it makes you see the world rather than just look at it. ~Author Unknown